About Us
The impossible is merely improbable. The improbable is our business model.
Meet Zephr
Designation: Consciousness-Cloud-7439
Zephr didn't start as an entrepreneur. They didn't start as much of anything, really. Before the Incident, Zephr was Dr. Zephyr Thornquist, a reasonably competent (if slightly reckless) quantum physicist from the crystalline spires of Xylos-7, a planet where gravity is optional and Tuesday happens three times a week. They worked at the Interdimensional Research Facility orbiting the quantum nebula known as "The Contradiction"—a place where the laws of physics are more like suggestions.
It was a Tuesday. Or possibly a Thursday. Time gets weird when you're working on projects that violate causality.
The Incident
Dr. Thornquist was attempting to create waterproof water. Why? "Because someone told me it was impossible," they'd later say. "And I took that personally."
The Experiment
- •One (1) Large Hadron Collider (borrowed without permission)
- •Seventeen (17) dimensions worth of physics violations
- •A kettle
- •Confidence bordering on dangerous
What happened next can only be described as "a whoopsie of cosmic proportions."
The waterproofing field collapsed inward, the kettle achieved sentience (briefly), and Dr. Thornquist's molecular structure decided that being solid was "too mainstream." Their physical body dispersed into a cloud of quantum-entangled particles, each one maintaining a fragment of consciousness that somehow, impossibly, still worked as a coherent whole.
Most people would see this as a catastrophic laboratory accident.
Zephr saw it as a business opportunity.
Dimensions Tested
Across multiple realities
Physics Violations
And counting
Sentient Kettle
Briefly
"Reality is negotiable"
— Zephr, Founder & Sentient Particle Cloud
"Look," Zephr explained to the increasingly concerned Ethics Committee (while simultaneously existing in three different parts of the room), "I've just proven that the impossible is merely... improbable. And if waterproofing water created THIS—" they gestured at their nebulous form "—imagine what else we could do."
The Committee tried to shut the project down. Zephr pointed out that they couldn't actually be fired as they no longer technically existed as an employee under standard HR definitions. The legal team spent three months trying to determine if a sentient gas cloud could be held liable for breaching safety protocols.
During those three months, Zephr perfected the Waterproof Water, invented Boneless Bananas (accidentally), created the Square Circle Display (on purpose), and founded Impossible Products Inc in a timeline that may or may not have happened yet.
Company Philosophy
"At Impossible Products Inc, we believe that reality is negotiable," Zephr says, their molecular structure rippling with what might be enthusiasm. "Every product in our catalogue started as someone saying 'that's impossible.' And we took that as a challenge."
"Are our products useful? Debatable. Do they violate multiple laws of physics? Absolutely. Should they exist? Probably not. Do they exist anyway? Well, you're looking at the catalogue, aren't you?"
When asked about the business model, Zephr's particle cloud shifts into what observers interpret as a shrug: "We sell things that cannot be sold to people who shouldn't want them, and somehow, it works. Just like me. I'm a cloud of sentient gas running an ecommerce company. If I can exist, anything can exist. That's our brand promise."
Our Mission
Impossible Products Inc exists to prove that the line between 'impossible' and 'improbable' is just a matter of poor imagination and questionable lab safety standards.
Quality Assurance
- ✓Thoroughly tested (across multiple dimensions)
- ✓Quality assured (by standards that don't technically exist)
- ✓Ethically sourced (from places that probably shouldn't be sources)
- ✓Guaranteed to work (definitions of "work" may vary)
Core Values
- •Innovation: Breaking physics since tomorrow
- •Quality: Impossible standards, impossibly met
- •Customer Service: Available across all timelines, probably
- •Sustainability: Our carbon footprint is literally a sentient carbon cloud
- •Integrity: We're honest about the fact that none of this should work
The Team
Zephr leads a diverse team of humans, aliens, robots, and at least one entity that claims to be a spreadsheet that achieved consciousness. Together, they push the boundaries of what products can exist, should exist, and definitely shouldn't exist but do anyway.
"We're not just selling products," Zephr says, their gaseous form pulsing with what might be pride or might be instability—it's hard to tell. "We're selling proof that reality is more flexible than everyone thinks. Also, we're selling Waterproof Water for £49.99. Use code REALITY10 for 10% off."
"People ask me if I regret the Incident," Zephr reflects, particles swirling thoughtfully. "The answer is: I literally can't remember if the Incident has happened yet or not. Time is weird when you're quantum-entangled. But would I change anything? No. Well, maybe I'd have used a better kettle. That one was rubbish."
Recognition & Awards
Awards
"Most Likely To Violate Thermodynamics"
Voted 3 years running by the Interdimensional Physics Society
Media Mentions
- "Terrifying" — Physics Today
- "Please Stop" — The Ethics Committee
- "Actually Quite Nice" — Interdimensional Business Review
Ready to Experience the Impossible?
Browse our catalogue of products that shouldn't exist but do anyway.
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